This Christmas

Christmas away from home and my family didn't feel very unusual anymore. Last year I met Lionel on Christmas Eve in church, and really it's been one year since. It had been very special spending both those days together and even with his sister, it felt like i belonged again in a family.

I've had my parents call me but never picking up. It's as if I've built a wall around me and I just can't deal with unneccessary emotions. I'm still recovering and nursing my health back because when I get emotional, I just crash. I try to understand why things are the way they play out to be, I hate myself hearing a cry over the phone and not being able to do anything. I just need a little bit more time to pull myself together, career wise, relationship wise and just being able to deal with everything more comfortably.

Everything had seem too good to be true, full time job, biggest financial institution to work for, yet everyday i still have second thoughts, almost every morning I wake up having to drag myself out of bed and sulking like a 2 year old not wanting to go to play school.

Everyday I tell myself how thankful i should be to have all this blessed upon my life and that I really should appreciate the people and things bestowed upon me because I do actually deserve this hapiness.

Some days I cannot help but have bad thoughts. Some days I even feel like pushing the one person I truly love away from me too. I guess I'm just exhausted, so exhausted that even a 4 day break does not help. Some days I feel like I want to go all out and crazy, I want to just not care about anything, i want to not have any obligations, I want to not care about where to be 5 months from now. I feel so suffocated.

Other days are bright and beautiful. May there be better days to come and may I not forget who I am and the person I want to be.

Merry Christmas everyone.

wishful thinking

I woke Lionel up because It hurt so bad and he stayed up to watch me. I had torn my shoulder tissue and had continued with work. It didn't seem that serious until it hit the nerves on my neck and jaw. I am still on pain killers and it ain't funny. Work has been nothing but stress. It sucks more when I have to work when I am going through so much pain.

It's been pretty upsetting this past few days. It's mixed with angry feelings and God knows what. I wonder why parents fall out of love. I wonder why such nasty words can come out of a persons mouth especially if it involves 2 people you love so much and of whom you thought would mean the world to each other. I wonder why it happens when its that phase of their lives where they really ought to just sit down and enjoy life, drama free.

Maybe that was why I never wanted anything serious with anyone or that whenever I felt like I really loved someone, I just give it all up because I was too scared. I've never quite put up a fight for anything serious involving matters of the heart because I've always thought I should protect myself before others.

I just don't know if love will ever last.