Christmas away from home and my family didn't feel very unusual anymore. Last year I met Lionel on Christmas Eve in church, and really it's been one year since. It had been very special spending both those days together and even with his sister, it felt like i belonged again in a family.
I've had my parents call me but never picking up. It's as if I've built a wall around me and I just can't deal with unneccessary emotions. I'm still recovering and nursing my health back because when I get emotional, I just crash. I try to understand why things are the way they play out to be, I hate myself hearing a cry over the phone and not being able to do anything. I just need a little bit more time to pull myself together, career wise, relationship wise and just being able to deal with everything more comfortably.
Everything had seem too good to be true, full time job, biggest financial institution to work for, yet everyday i still have second thoughts, almost every morning I wake up having to drag myself out of bed and sulking like a 2 year old not wanting to go to play school.
Everyday I tell myself how thankful i should be to have all this blessed upon my life and that I really should appreciate the people and things bestowed upon me because I do actually deserve this hapiness.
Some days I cannot help but have bad thoughts. Some days I even feel like pushing the one person I truly love away from me too. I guess I'm just exhausted, so exhausted that even a 4 day break does not help. Some days I feel like I want to go all out and crazy, I want to just not care about anything, i want to not have any obligations, I want to not care about where to be 5 months from now. I feel so suffocated.
Other days are bright and beautiful. May there be better days to come and may I not forget who I am and the person I want to be.
Merry Christmas everyone.
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