December

My brother is finally graduating this month. It's been a long month and I can't wait for Christmas. I want Christmas presents and all the happiness in the world. I've made up my mind to pursue a different path in my career. I don't know if it would be the wisest thing to do as for now, but I just really want to move up and live the dreams and specialize. I pray that next year will be a better year. I've started going out again, I know it's a real drag with my work load I hardly find time for Anything else, but i am making more time for people around me. I don't want to take anyone for granted.

Reality

I've had my reality check done. It's been 2 weeks since I have returned to Melbourne. Today I went for my first bridal fitting with my girlfriends. The bride to be, Her dress looked amazing on her, I want to look as amazing as she was today when my time comes. I did not get engaged in Kuching although Lionel and I threw a small get together with a bunch of our friends. I guess so many things happened, my heart got broken at the words i heard come out from the person i loved. Then there was my mom and my dad. So much has happened, i feel so numb. At times I wished they could just break up and leave because of how bad things have gotten to. I dont know why 2 people would rather put up and cope although everything is at a dead end. Im so frustrated I don't even know how to begin. Family issues have been a sensitive part for me. I dont know how many more nights i cry myself to sleep. and I just dont care anymore. . but i care. i dont know what im saying. I am really proud of myself because for the 8 days that i was in Kuching I slept with the lights off. But of course I had trouble sleeping, I slept every night around 3am because my heart was just so..troubled, I dont know how and what to feel. I think there was no drama because Ive always chose to not do anything about simply anything. Let it be. I am really glad I've not settled down. I cannot imagine life being tied down i cannot imagine being the one who has to wait i cannot imagine so many things, u dont know how it feels. This is me being me. Had to change the address of the site because this was getting too personal.

Love

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” I love you, i love you and I love you and I'm ready now to spend the rest of my life with you. No more doubts only more love.

Travel the world

I'm aging so fast it ain't funny. I've had a total of 8 flights and airport check ins during the last week. Melbourne's now 3 hours away from Malaysian time. I can't believe the weekend is right around the corner. I swear the food poisoning bit isnt the best feeling in the world. I've had so much going on that I do not know how to feel anymore. A pink Hermes purse was given to me yesterday as a gift. I've got balloons to arrange, liqour to order and flowers to think of. I just need to find the perfect dress and have the best of friends around me for a toast for a great celebration. and no, it's Not for a wedding. :)

5 DAYS!

i've been so busy at work that I forgot that special day of the month! This weekend would be the weekend i've been anticipating for the last few months. I'm finally going to Shanghai for one of my best girlfriends wedding! And of course, Lionel and I would be best man and bridesmaid! I can't wait to dump all the thoughts of work, interests, investments, term deposits, risk, superannuation, trusts and all that friggin shit talk away! All the damn professional talk down the drain! woohoo! Now thats how life is to be lived! :)

No better time to say how scared I really am.

Happy birthday

And today I said yes to my new job promotion :) Somewhere along the way I did stop and paused to think of you. I hope you enjoy this day with your love ones and live life young without regrets. God Bless.

Zookeeper

I've always wanted to be a zookeeper!

At the moment I've got 2 baby prawns after trying to breed em for 2 months.

I've been watching so much Naruto and One Piece. Actually spent the last few months watching it to sleep...


What's been happening? Its finally August! My plans of home coming has been post poned because my parents have thought of coming over instead.

Sometimes I wish I could just pack my bags, go home and live happily ever after without worrying to pay for anything.

I'm so happy that we have a new addition to our family. My brother's girlfriend has been none other than wonderful. And if you must know, I am all fuss about who he dates.

Outside my room, Ninja ( Lionel's sisters boyfriend's dog ) is chewing his food and all I can see is his white fat bum!

August

To think that i will be home soon, makes me just so happy. Times are always going to get hard, everyone wants/expects more and more from you each day.

I'm making home made burritos for dinner tonight. And the hubby sure knows how to take his time coming home from work.

I need to go further, work harder become better at what i'm doing and hopefully soon i come back with good news. I just need a little more time.

Breathing

So hard dealing with these past few weeks.I just feel so tired. It's already July and my end of financial year ended pretty bad. Coping with all the stress, some days I tell myself to let it all go. I don't need all this.

But then something good always comes up, always someone to cheer me up in the simplest way. Just today, I've had a 70 year old regular client who waits outside my branch every fortnight during pension week. He came up to me to pull out some money and left the branch. Half an hour later i watched him slowly walking back to the office with his walking sticks and he walked straight up to the counter and said, Karen. i bought us some lottery tickets, if we win tonight i'll make u stop work and come travel with me for 2 years and just be happy.

On the lottery receipt which he made me photocopy, he wrote his number in his wobbly cute handwriting with the words 'shared with Karen' on his ticket.

I thought that was just the sweetest thing. and you know what, even the simplest words can mean so much to those in need.

awhile ago

 ' You only live once but if you do it right, Once in enough.'

I was reading about Mother Teresa and the life she had led. Her work has been recognised and acclaimed throughout the world. The Nobel Peace Prize 1979 was awarded to Mother Teresa.

World icons, they motivate my everyday to the best it can be. On tv, I was watching over the news one day on a speech by the CEO of Coca-Cola. He said to imageine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. They are work, family, Health, friends and spirit and that you are keeping all of these in the air. He said that soon you would understand that work is a rubberball, that if you drop it, it will bounce back. The other balls-Family, friends, health and spirit-they are made of glass. once dropped they would be irrevocably scuffed, marked or shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that before you can strive for it. The last thing he said was that Value has a value only if its value is valued.

I take my hat off to you.

So in conclusion the best gift you could ever give someone is your time because you're giving them something you'll never get back.

and she says

I hate it when I am being abused with words that eventually ends up emotional. One minute it's all good, another minute when he's sad or angry it gets turned around. Like I mean it when I make a comparison to the story of Dr Jackyl and Mr Hyde.

And with that said, sentences like, (Let me quote just a few)

1. I am sorry I wasn't borned rich
2. You don't accept me for who I am
3. Its good that I think i have already let you go
4. Im ready for a new relationship
5 Let me call you babe again
6. I cried a thousand miles because of you
7. Now you wud be someone that i have had met, who will hurt me once every few years time
8. (receives a text on my phone and then I reply and then get a reply back saying) Who are you? May I know who you are?
9. I know i cannot have u because of my background
10. I cant afford to have you
11. I guess things will never change until the day one of us leaves this world.. Thanks for been a part of my life
12.I might not be chatting with you any longer.
13. Finally, you forgive Jillian.. But when are you going to forgive me?

On the 30th of October 2010, I then said to him

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.'


Have you had anyone whose told you the same lines over and over, Each time a little different than the other but all the more the same. Every now and then I get so confused because I am torn between this relationship/friendship we have that has been embeded for the many years.

8 years down memory lane, I still have all the little messages/notes/e-mails/letters. Every one of them leaving me with a love/hate feeling. I just do not know what to believe anymore. All these chances given of all that could have been, of all that could have had made things better, of all that could save the many many sleepless nights and of course the tears. I wouldn't have forgotten the tears and heartache.

I still remember begging for you to make me your life. I remember flying all the way across the oceans back for a second chance to make it work. I remember wanting so much to be a part of you that maybe you just forgot how long you have waited for me, you forgot that I'm not always going to wait, you forgot what I actually felt.

I remember asking you to choose between me and this girl friend. This girl who had been unjust with her words against mine. I couldn't understand for the duration I was with you that you couldn't even put her aside thus made her your best mate because she was your best friends girl. Hands down, I respect that you have chosen. I hope you never will regret this.

Yet you still don't understand till today why we are so much broken up. It has been because you were never able to prioritise the important and you fail to see/choose people who actually care.

I don't want to listen to all these excuses anymore. It is a sore eye and as much as I hate to admit it, it really gets to me. What is all this shitty talk about not being borned rich/not having good family background? I CANNOT tolerate this.

Let's make another evaluation for your peace of mind.

You
1. Live with your parents at home
2.Drive a car
3. Studied abroad
4. currently working

Me
1. Live with my siblings abroad in a house I'm paying for mortgage on my own
2. Does not own a car, I walk and take public transport everyday
3. Studied abroad
4.currently working
5. Supporting my siblings uni fees and expenses

We had equal opportunities given to us. But you who did not utilise it well give all these reasons put yourself down instead of taking all this negativity and turning it into positive mindsets. I worked my way all through high school and uni abroad, i work 7 days a week and I haven't had a break in 2 years.  I have an 8-5 job and i start my weekend job at 5 in the morning. Is it so important to compare all these material things that I buy when I reward myself for all this hard work? Is it wrong to take a night off to party and drink without being called and clasified whore/slut? When I chose this path and focused on my career, you chose drinking and smoking nights away, hanging out with mates nothing ever too serious. I do believe you had wanted the best, i can tell you that you haven't tried hard enough because you always gave up too quick.

How can you judge me in that way when I have taken nothing from my parents? I am so sick and tired of all that shitty talk. It really does not interest me anymore, so enough with all this abuse.

Everyone tells me not to waste my time being angry and sad, It's true because whatever it is can't change a single damn thing that happened and I have made my decision. You ask me how I can turn my emotions off and not care about things so pretty quick. I tell you now that it wasn't all about flicking that switch up and down. You eventually have better things to think about/do than arguing. I want to be the bigger person.

So many times I wanted to pick up the phone and yell straight at you but did not.I just thought about it, made myself busy and eventually forgot all about it. I want to be happy for you but i'm caught up in the love/hate relationship.

I guess what I really want to say is that one can only take so much. It goes to a point that It isn't fair to me. I'm just saying my part, that i'm sick of being misjudged (not that i really care) and you being the person that everyone sympatises on. They don't know me enough to take on to judge me.

I want you to be a better person, keep being happy in whatever you are doing and just stop comparing and pondering on the 'what if's and what could have been'. It's all over and done with. You have had all the chances you ever could have. Stop regretting because if you had cared/loved enough you wouldn't have done/said all those stupid things.

To me Today, words are just words. We're both old enough to deserve just a whee bit of respect.

I think i deserve to be happy, with or without Lionel. For I always will be happy for u.

Life is too short.

I could never forget, nor ever make amends,
For the war that was started,
And that seemed never to end.

02/05/2012

Officially bought my first investment property yesterday. It may seem a little too quick for everything to fall in place as I had bought my first house just a little less than 9 months ago.

Fulton Lane

It feels great knowing that I have achieved all this by myself.

10 months

It gets easier going to sleep every night. It's hard to express in words everything that is bottled up inside. Some days I feel as though everyone else betrays, even the good; even the closest.

Everyday I still feel this happiness inside of me. When I'm about to meet my beloved siblings and when I'm going back home to my man. Everything that happens in between does not matter anymore.

I have so much to feel thankful for yet sometimes on bad days I am ashamed of such unpleasant thoughts. This year has made Lionel and I grow so much mentally. It is always great when we have a goal to achieve, and every day that passes knowing we're both one step closer in making it come true.

Once Upon a time

This stranger I had not come to know off left us this very day.

A year older

Twas a week of celebration for my partner and I with our birthdays being just 4 days apart. It was great having to catch up with family and friends all at the same time. I never thought being in a club wrapped around the arms of a man would feel so complete, as if I was the only thing He had eyes on and that sparkle in his eyes; nothing I wouldn't give for that. We have finally moved into our new place and getting into routine will take awhile especially after living in the city for the last 6 years.

Mom and dad are arriving in 3 days. It would be the first time Lionel would be meeting them. And i'm really sure they will come to love him as much as my siblings and I do.

Now that play time is over, we'll be focusing on our career for the next few months. I pray that everything would go our way. Till then.

Valentines

My whole package came in the sort of way I never expected. Being in a restaurant with the man of my life holding a bouquet of roses never felt so perfect.

Its been a rough couple of weeks battling emotions with things back home. At the end of it all, I just do not understand no matter how hard I try.

On a brighter note, Lionel and I will be taking off to one of the most romantic places in Asia. I try to make everyday a better one. Because all of u mean a lot to me, and i want to make you proud.

Love makes people grow into their better selves. Happy Valentines.

Happy Chinese New Year

I cant imagine having to live life alone in this foreign land. I miss all of you. Its funny also how you can almost remove someone off ur life simply by clicking a facebook setting ; unfriend. I've learned that almost no guy friend ; unless gay of course, can ever be your best friend. I've learned also that it was okay to loose a friend only if it meant well for both parties.

I also hope that down this track of life, people will learn to put their past aside and if ever to reminisce those moments, only to appreciate that people who have walked your path somehow has shaped and moulded you to be a better person.

I can't think of any sad endings because I do not believe in one. I wish each and every one of you to be blessed with love from your family; friends and that special someone you've been waiting for all this time of your life.

If you had told me this time last year where I would be today, I wouldn't have believed you. Only because I had no idea I was strong enough to make big decisions and because I never knew moving on unveils the many little things in life that you have been too caught up with to notice; what's always been there, what's always been in front of you.



Tonight I make toast, for you and I , for love, success, hapiness, health and prosperity for the year 2012.

Happy new year

I cant tell u how excited I am about moving, and how excited again i am to seeing my siblings again. Then in 2 months, I'll be able to see my parents again. Tonight my mom called trying to persuade me into coming home, It's left me with a great many mix feelings.

Everythings getting better, I've come up with a long list of new year resolutions, most of all, I'm ready to let go.